Public opinion to be banned

After the recent departure of Danyl from X Factor I am once again questioning the mental stability of the British population, and I do not stand alone. Gordon Brown is also considering a close inspection into the legality of public opinion.

Brown had previously toyed with the idea of banning public opinion after certain events, namely questionable voting earlier in the hit TV show, had rendered Danyl in the bottom two (whilst Lloyd and ‘Jedward’ remained).

Unfortunately, if Brown were to ban public opinion of certain members of society, he will have essentially shot his political career not so much in the foot but rather in the head, as it is those with questionable opinion that vote Labour anyway. A fact he himself admits; ‘After all it was popular misguided opinion that got us into power in the first place’ Brown scoffed, ‘and look where that’s got us.’[1]

X Factor can provide myriad examples of misplaced British opinion: Leon actually won; Cheryl Cole becoming popular (even though the same cannot be said for Dannii Minogue, which actually bolsters my faith in public opinion somewhat); and becoming a common theme of this blog ‘Jedward’[2], (no explanation necessary)

I am all for banning the majority of public opinion as I could not bear to read such moronic claims as ‘The truth is Eric Cantona was over rated’[3] ever again, even if it is a joke.

It is scientifically proven that Eric Cantona was the greatest football player ever; the matter is not subjective, these things never are we just like them to be.

[1] I might have made that quotation up entirely.
[2] With constant referral to the twins I have had to reluctantly add ‘Jedward’ to my Microsoft Word dictionary – leading to more undeserved exposure.
[3] Opinion (if you can call it that) courtesy of theginge.com.

God Idol: Deities or just talentless ass holes? You Decide!

LONDON - ITV have announced their latest project: the ‘deitistic’ talent show God Idol where entrants will be invited from all the major world religions to battle it out on stage to settle the oldest and most frought argument, whose God is the least of an asshole.

Buddha is the bookies favourite to go first, because like the religion his performances don’t actually involve doing anything. He does have some hope though as the British public always seem to have an affection for a fat bloke with his shirt off and one audience member quoted ‘that he was just such a lovely guy.’ This was reiterated by the man himself because similarly to Rick Waller before him, he was just happy to be there.

One of the much discussed topics concerned was who the Judaeo-Christian God would be representing. This was all settled as he decided to send his Son to represent Christianity (a decision that fell flat on its face once before), whilst God admitted that all the stuff he used to do, such as flooding the earth, summoning plagues of locusts, and engulfing the Egyptians in a tidal wave, were just much more fun. Having said this the Jewish God is unlikely to fair well as most Jews are now more interested in facebook and eating out most nights of the week than they are their religion.

Jesus as ever was milking his situation, Amanda Holden who was already crying burst into yet more tears when Jesus said he never knew his dad, spent his younger years in rigorous manual labour, only to be crucified by those he was just trying to get in with. Even though Jesus’ sob story gained him a number of votes in the first weeks his arrogance later in the show has lost him a lot of popularity. Reports claim that on the night when there were technical areas concerning the stage and lights, Jesus quipped: ‘I’m the guy who walked on water, you think I need a fucking stage?’

Just some of the acts: people are already getting bored with Buddha’s eating acts; Tom Cruise has had to call on some old characters to boost his popularity as well as his credibility; and many are questioning if Jesus is getting more time with the choreographers than the other contestants. Other acts include: Islam’s Allah and the audience can expect fireworks; Scientology have sent Tom Cruise who offers dramatic performances; do not expect them to win; and Sikhism… who cares?

Just some of the acts: people are already getting bored with Buddha’s eating acts; Tom Cruise has had to call on some old characters to boost his popularity as well as his credibility; and many are questioning if Jesus is getting more time with the choreographers than the other contestants.